I'm Moving

I'm in the process of moving this blog to an as yet undisclosed location. Mostly likely somewhere in the mountains of Wyoming in a bunker deep, deep in the ground. Stay tuned for updates...

It's 06-06-06

The "date of the beast" is today. And hopefully, you're not hexakosioihexekontahexaphobic. If you're one of the lucky few who are satanists, then you get to celebrate by sacrificing the proverbial goat or a young child. And then proceeding to use its blood to bathe in. Or whatever it is that satanists do. I'm just kidding here - don't want to offend any satanists. Or maybe because they're satanists, they compliment each other by offending. Or maybe not.

The date has not escaped the capitalistic sort (hey - even satanists have to eat!) and the re-make of The Omen is being released today, starring Liev Schrieber. Also, the heavy metal band Slayer has announced today as a "National Day of Slayer" (in response to the US's National Day of Prayer) and have all kinds of merchandise associated with it.

So what are the real satanists up to today? Well, Rev. John D Allee, the founder of the First Church of Satan in Salem, (not to be confused with the original Church of Satan, from which they split 12 years ago) says:

"I plan to take Lillee, my High Priestess, to the opening of The Omen movie," says the self-styled Dark Pope. "Then it's out for dinner."

Hmm. A nice quiet evening there. How boring. I'm sure the Temple of Set (another Church of Satan spinoff) is doing something more exciting. Here's what Louise Renard, priestess and assistant to the executive director (of the Temple of Set, not the movie), had to say:

"There is nothing significant about that day or that number" she says. "Unless the new Omen movie turns out to be better than expected."

That's it? Man, these satanists are growing soft these days. Whatever happened to the full moon sacrifices and the blood-letting and all of that good stuff? You know what? It's probably the Americans who are boring. I'm sure the London Church of Satan is up to something exciting.

Meanwhile, Vexen Crabtree, the Minister of the London Church of Satan, plans to go to one of the alternative clubs that are celebrating 06/06/06. "My official take on it is that 666 is really only a Christian number," he explains. "But any excuse for a party is a good one."

Jesus Christ! Oh -er- I mean, what the hell! There's got to be at least *one* satanist doing something that's more attuned to the stereotype. Wait, what about New Age Christian writer Tom Chase?

Tom Chase...has used astrology and the Bible to calculate that the antichrist will emerge, followed by an asteroid collision and within a year or two the battle of Armageddon.

All right! Now, we're talking! So who's the antichrist, Mr. Chase?

The antichrist, according to Chase, is Vladimir Putin.

What??! Well, hang on a second, he *is* kind of ugly. Even reptilian, if you will. Ok, that works. I think Mr. Chase has performed adequately well and lived up to the stereotype. Had to take a christian to do it, though. Whatever happened to a good, old-fashioned child sacrifice? It's MTV, I tell you. It's made everyone's brains soft!

Read more about it here at the BBC Magazine.

The Only Difference is: They Make Castration Look Good

It looks like India's hijras or eunuchs are finally figuring out ways to improve their image. For those of you who don't know - a eunuch is a castrated male. And, believe me, as a child, when you're accosted by them, you can be deeply traumatized. From Things Asian (the above link):

Caked in cheap rouge, kajal, powder and lipstick, they dress in ill-fitting blouses and colourful saris in a grotesque parody of womanhood as they roam the busy marketplaces in groups, terrorizing pedestrians, hustling for ten or a hundred rupees. These are not your average beggars on the street. With male voices shouting expletives, palms meeting crossways in a trademark clap, they prey on susceptible passersby, who will part with their cash sooner than be treated to the sight of the group collectively lifting up their saris and flashing castrated genital areas right in their faces.

And as you get older, and more thick-skinned, you are no longer "terrorized" by them, but just plain irritated at their obnoxious behavior. And to further confound things, if you refuse them money when they come to beg to you then they start screaming expletives at the top of their voices. And, Bombay eunuchs know expletives that would make your average dhobi blush. Man, can they curse! They, of course, use this strategy so you'll be embarrased into eventually giving them some money.

Sometimes, they will come and sit next to you in a public bus and start harrasing you for money. It's a good strategy, because in a crowded bus, there's no place to escape. This happened to a particularly thick-skinned friend of mine once. The eunuch , of course, sat down and then proceeded to ask him for money. And, as is the usual tactic, (s)he started to touch him. At first by tapping his shoulder and then going on to stroke his thigh. My friend, definitely not the meek sort, decided to turn the hijra's strategy back onto him. He promptly stood up and started screaming expletives at him/her loudly, all the while proclaiming that (s)he was making passes at him. The hijra, was shocked (never having had to face his/her own crude behavior, I guess), that (s)he was basically rendered impotent powerless and (s)he more or less scrambled to get off at the next stop. If (s)he had not done that, then the people in the bus would probably have pummelled him/her. Bombayites, you see, just need an excuse to get their frustrations out. It's the nature of the city - frustrated, fast-paced, always hungry, always wanting more. Well, there's a good side too, but that's for another post.

So, you get the idea of how obnoxious these eunuchs can get. These days, political correctness has not escaped even them, because they no longer wish to be called hijras, but prefer the term aruvani. And from this BBC article, it seems they want to tone down the level of obnoxious-ness.

"If necessary we will dress down, tone down our speech, even desist from the commonly misunderstood practice of 'clapping' and negotiate with people in work and social settings."

That's definitely a good thing. Being of the academic persuasion however, I am burdened by my conscience to be objective, and the onus of presenting both sides of the story lies on me. So, despite being personally traumatized by them on numerous occasions, I have to say that they are a misunderstood bunch. To the best of my knowledge, they're supposed to be holy and there's even a temple in central India which an uncle of mine - a sexologist - visited, where they peform the castration rituals. Of course, the only way you're allowed to get in there, is if you're a participant! My uncle refused and not too long afterwards, he had his third child...you do the math.

Anyhow, there are several resources on the Indian eunuchs online. You can click here, or here, or even here. There's even a Hijra Research Blog on Blogger here. Enjoy.

Thirty Days: A Poem of (what else?) Love

“Thirty days and counting,” he says to himself, aloud.
“Thirty days for better (or worse).
“It’s the uncertainty that’s intolerable.
“Can I put the whole thing in reverse?”

He’s panicking again, his nerves are really terse.
He’s not being rational,
Since she’s angelic and sharp,
And unwaveringly loyal.

“Can I really do this?” he says with sadness ample,
“I feel I’m sinking in quicksand!
“Of course, I could never tell her,
“She would never understand.”

Oh my friend, please don’t crash-land!
You still have thirty days.
Enough time for it to sink in.
And get out of your haze.

“I’ll have to change my wayward ways,
“If I want this thing to work,
“If I want her to happy,
“And not think I’m a jerk!”

Hey, you may even have to do some housework,
And occasionally clean up.
But at least you’ll have a partner.
In time, she may bring you a little pup.

“Thanks for lending your ear to me, brother,
“My outlook has improved.
“Without your helping hand
“I would have been unmoved!”

You’re welcome, I’m glad we grooved,
You worried me back there.
Didn’t think you’d make it,
Thought you’d pull out all your hair.

Let this be a lesson to all out there,
What I’ve posted to my blog,
Think twice before you get married,
Because he is just buying a dog.

Inspired by recent blog posts I read on Sepia Mutiny about love, marriage and spitting. On the other hand, I think this person took the post way too seriously.