The Intellectual Masturbater

"Don't knock [intellectual] masturbation, it's [intellectual] sex with someone I love." -Woody Allen
"Blogging is intellectual masturbation." -The Intellectual Masturbater

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

I'm Moving

I'm in the process of moving this blog to an as yet undisclosed location. Mostly likely somewhere in the mountains of Wyoming in a bunker deep, deep in the ground. Stay tuned for updates...

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

It's 06-06-06

The "date of the beast" is today. And hopefully, you're not hexakosioihexekontahexaphobic. If you're one of the lucky few who are satanists, then you get to celebrate by sacrificing the proverbial goat or a young child. And then proceeding to use its blood to bathe in. Or whatever it is that satanists do. I'm just kidding here - don't want to offend any satanists. Or maybe because they're satanists, they compliment each other by offending. Or maybe not.

The date has not escaped the capitalistic sort (hey - even satanists have to eat!) and the re-make of The Omen is being released today, starring Liev Schrieber. Also, the heavy metal band Slayer has announced today as a "National Day of Slayer" (in response to the US's National Day of Prayer) and have all kinds of merchandise associated with it.

So what are the real satanists up to today? Well, Rev. John D Allee, the founder of the First Church of Satan in Salem, (not to be confused with the original Church of Satan, from which they split 12 years ago) says:
"I plan to take Lillee, my High Priestess, to the opening of The Omen movie," says the self-styled Dark Pope. "Then it's out for dinner."
Hmm. A nice quiet evening there. How boring. I'm sure the Temple of Set (another Church of Satan spinoff) is doing something more exciting. Here's what Louise Renard, priestess and assistant to the executive director (of the Temple of Set, not the movie), had to say:
"There is nothing significant about that day or that number" she says. "Unless the new Omen movie turns out to be better than expected."
That's it? Man, these satanists are growing soft these days. Whatever happened to the full moon sacrifices and the blood-letting and all of that good stuff? You know what? It's probably the Americans who are boring. I'm sure the London Church of Satan is up to something exciting.
Meanwhile, Vexen Crabtree, the Minister of the London Church of Satan, plans to go to one of the alternative clubs that are celebrating 06/06/06. "My official take on it is that 666 is really only a Christian number," he explains. "But any excuse for a party is a good one."
Jesus Christ! Oh -er- I mean, what the hell! There's got to be at least *one* satanist doing something that's more attuned to the stereotype. Wait, what about New Age Christian writer Tom Chase?
Tom Chase...has used astrology and the Bible to calculate that the antichrist will emerge, followed by an asteroid collision and within a year or two the battle of Armageddon.
All right! Now, we're talking! So who's the antichrist, Mr. Chase?
The antichrist, according to Chase, is Vladimir Putin.
What??! Well, hang on a second, he *is* kind of ugly. Even reptilian, if you will. Ok, that works. I think Mr. Chase has performed adequately well and lived up to the stereotype. Had to take a christian to do it, though. Whatever happened to a good, old-fashioned child sacrifice? It's MTV, I tell you. It's made everyone's brains soft!

Read more about it here at the BBC Magazine.